The moment I found out I was pregnant, I jumped up and down like I won the showcase showdown on “The Price Is Right.”
Evan was not an uh-oh. He was a marathon of endless, boring, baby-making sex. I say boring because when you have sex in the hopes of having a baby, you are less likely to get dirty or say inappropriate things in case the baby in heaven can hear you. Things like “I’m a naughty bitch” and “pull my hair” were not meant for my new baby’s ears. So, the day I peed on a stick that turned positive, I was elated that my eggs were not fried. I made a baby and I wanted to make sure I was the best nest I could be.
So I immediately ordered a BBQ pulled pork sandwich from room service. I’m not kidding. O.K., I called my husband first, then my mom and then room service. I thought it was a good idea that eating for two should start immediately.
As I gobbled my way through the first trimester, my gyno told me I gained 20 pounds. I asked him if that was a lot. I had read that women typically gain up to 30 pounds during pregnancy, so I guess I was asking more of a rhetorical question but was hoping to get get lucky. His reply was, “Um, well, it depends on the woman.”
I said, “What the hell does that mean?” He replied, “It means that because you were underweight for your age group I’m not that worried about it. Plus, you’re in show business and you will be forced to lose the weight out of vanity.”
The bastard was right. In show business, we’re all vain, so I figured why not eat? I would be forced to lose the weight anyway due to the media’s bullying. So all I did for the next two trimesters was eat. My husband’s job those last few months was to be a food delivery guy. Any food commercial that came on TV, I had him running to get me some.
One particular time he said, “Everything is closed. I can’t find you a taco within 30 miles from here.” My reply was, “Then drive to freaking Mexico!”
When I checked into the hospital to deliver I weighed 211 pounds. If pregnancy lasted 12 months, I have no doubt I would have exploded.
Talking to other women about their baby weight gain always fascinates me because it varies so much. You are either a 30 pound gainer or an 80 pound gainer. Judging from my pic, I’m sure you can tell I was in the over 80 club.
How about you? How much did you gain and how long did it take you to lose it?
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